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February 2008

Friday, February 29, 2008

sea change

It finally happened. 

Last night after work I went back to the used kids' clothing store and returned the boots and ski jacket I'd rented for the girls.  Willow's pants have been sprouting holes in the knees, so I picked up some cute embroidered jeans for her and a pretty linen top for Sophie.  Then I went to get groceries, came home, and put the clothes in one of the bags, hoping to just sneak them in to the house unnoticed.  But, they were spotted, and while I'd pegged sick-all-week-Soph as the one to pout, (Why didn't I get jeans?  Those are pretty!  NOT FAIR!) it was Willow who was devastated.

She cried.  And I said, Sorry, honey!  I didn't know you'd rather have a shirt.  If you can pull yourself together and ask nicely, I'm sure we can go back and find you a shirt this weekend.  Plus, you did just get new clothes for your birthday.  Don't you think the jeans are cute?

I (sob)
WANT (big lip)
A (wail, exaggerated sucking in of breath)
SHIRT

So, I sent her to her room, where she flung herself on her bed with MAXIMUM drama and continued to sob and wail. 

I went back to the kitchen to unpack the groceries.

Willow appeared in the kitchen and glared at me. 

MOMMY.  YOU SUCK! she yelled between sobs.  Then she went back to her bed to cry.

I couldn't help but laugh.  However, she was the last one of the kids who'd never yelled I hate you.  Or, uh, YOU SUCK.  I feel like even more than having my last kid out of diapers or being five or whatever else you use to mark the baby to big kidness, having her square off against me means that I don't have babies any more.  I have kids.  Big, loud, funny, difficult, smart, fascinating kids.  And now the same old same old is unknown and new. 

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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

will meme for brownies

Gwendomama has tagged me for a Five Things That I Should Most Likely Keep To MySelf About Me post.  I won't pretend to not notice, because she is promising brownies.  And Gwendomama is the most bad-ass baker around.  You cannot say no to her.  Ever.

1.)    I am High Maintenance, in a stealthy way.   My lack of makeup and expensive purses, along with my willingness to go camping, mask the fact that I'm totally a snob about what I will eat, wear, buy, read, watch, or be associated with.   When we bought stuff for our ski trip, there was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to buy the big puffy (cheap) ski pants and generic waterproof moon boots.  "They didn't have those in my size" is HM speak for "I had to get the cute ones because there is just really no other option."  (I am a fan of the end-of-season clearance sale.)

SEE?
Skipants OR     Cheapskipants_4  ?

also --

Mahboots   OR    Uglyboots ?

You know I'm right about this stuff.

2.)    When I was little, I figured out that things never happened exactly like I'd imagined them.  So, I used to fall asleep at night, imagining all sorts of terrible things (in excruciating detail!) happening to me and the people I loved. 

That TOTALLY kept those things from happening.

3.)   I carry a lot of guilt over unsent (and unwritten) thank-you notes.

4.)    I'm not terrible at poker, pool, dart throwing or bullshitting, thanks to lessons from my dad. 

5.)   I am still amazed that I ended up with four kids.  Honestly.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

a letter to my body

visit the Letter to My Body Project at BlogHer

Dear Body,

I've written to you, about you, before, but I know it's always nice to get something in the mail. 

Let's get this out of the way first: eighteen months ago you scared the hell out of me with that whole heart thing.  It took several abnormal EKGs, an eyebrow raising echocardiogram, a long weekend in the cardiac unit and, finally, a totally normal nuclear stress test, for the doctors to shrug their shoulders and tell us that the weird heart thing is just how we're put together.   Probably always been that way, with the bottom part of this heart (yes, I'm talking to you) not marching quite in time.

A year ago, to the very day, we got onto a plane and flew over the Atlantic ocean.  Thank you for not dying of fright right on the spot, and thank you for actually relaxing and watching the sun come up over Greenland with me.  I always thought we were too claustrophobic to fly so far (over an ocean!) but you simply rolled your eyes, thinking, What the hell took you so long?  Thank you for the continued sensual memories of Barcelona; how the old cobblestones felt underfoot, the smell of the market, the sound of the church bells in the background of that delicious feeling of waking up in the hotel in the morning with the whole day stretched out ahead of us.  I forgive you for the ten straight hours of barfing while we were stuck in Heathrow.   I know that there's only so much you can do about the stomach flu.

Also a year ago, not quite to the day, we finally committed to yoga after years of flirting and flaking.   I am so grateful.  As wonderful as it's been for you, body, it's probably done me, the brain in your skull, the most good.  I see you in such a kinder light than I ever thought possible, and even when you are standing in class next to an impossibly beautiful young girl, I feel right at home and comfortable in you.  That is a miraculous gift for someone like me who's made an art form of how to define feeling inferior.   And yesterday?  When I finally let go of being afraid of it, you went right into a headstand (on the third try) and stayed up there.  First time even getting our ass up in the air (yay, ass!), and suddenly it all came together and legs? you didn't even need that wall, did you?  Doing that headstand drop kicked you and me both into a hyper-happy and goofy state for the rest of the day.  We got a little bit of enlightenment, thanks to you.   

And, finally, to all those parts that I am still struggling to love (Eyelids, can I just take a moment to point out the fact that you have years and years of service left?  Please reverse your saggy, pebbly, tissue paper ways and chill out for a few more years.), I am getting there.  I may never love you like you deserve, but I'm trying and most days I think we are getting closer to a workable living arrangement.

I'd keep at it, but unfortunately you are telling me that you need to sleep.  Now. 

I love you.
xoxoxo,
jen

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Another thing they don't tell you

I know that I am not the only mother who cries while cleaning up the kitchen because the fighting will not stop.  The words that come out of my kids' mouths to each other, about themselves, toward me.  I'm left depressed and heartbroken. 

I am an expert at counting my blessings, finding the beauty, reframing the situation so that it becomes more manageable.   There must be a bad combination of me being inexplicably thin-skinned and fragile coinciding with the uptick in everyones' bad mood.  I stopped in the middle of cleaning up several vases of dead flowers left over from last weekend and turned to the boys who were fighting over some of the still-pretty carnations.  I yelled at them to stop fighting and yelling.  SO EFFECTIVE to yell at someone when you want them to stop yelling.  Really.  It works every time.  /sarcasm

It's just that I love them so damn much that when they fight and fight and fight and hurt each other, it guts me.  I do not care if it's normal and if all the other siblings everywhere act like this.  It fucking sucks.  If it is normal, it shouldn't be.  I will never believe that it is.  We had such a great string of nights last week.  That is normal.  That is what I want for us.  I want my kids to think back someday when they are grown to what it was like to be little, and for it to make them feel good.  I want them to remember curling up in my lap and feeling happy.  I want them to remember the times when the power went out and we lit candles.   I want them to remember that the four of them would all sleep in the same bed at night, little puppies keeping each other warm and content.  Instead I find that three of the six of us here have been diagnosed with depression.  That the days are more likely to be stressful and full of conflict than not.  My kids are going to grow up and start families and not want their home life to be like the one they had growing up. 

Maybe I'm just writing about all this too soon after a bad evening, but I am feeling like I've failed a basic part of being a mother.  Somewhere they've been led to believe that it's okay to act this way at home.  I have always come down hard on them for physical fighting, and the minute conflicts turn to name calling action is taken.  But I wasn't strict enough?  I didn't get the message across?  I did and they just don't care?  There's too much other stuff going on and none of what came before matters?  I can't even get enough clarity about all this to figure it out. 

We're planning this trip to the snow.  I am not expecting it to be perfect.  I am aware that the ski and snowboard lessons might not take place if the weather is bad.  I don't expect our family to transform into the Von Trapps and become fictional characters who are beautiful, well-dressed, clean, and exceedingly polite.   And the singing; can't leave that out.  But at the same time, I need for us to have a nice time together.  I need that.  I really want to see that things can tip the other way, toward the fighting being an uncommon thing, toward more of the nights where the kids pile into my bed and we read books and tell silly jokes and give each other choppy massages and then fall asleep a little later than we should.  Having my kids around me in the middle of the night, listening to all the noises they make as they breathe and dream, it's everything to me.   I know it's not a good idea to let my kids define me.  I don't think they do, but at the same time they are the core of my being.  I'm built around them just as surely as my skin is built around my bones. 

It's raining out.  Really hard.  The kids are all sleeping in their beds, and I'm in my bed alone with a bunch of tissue and a knot in my chest.  I want to wake them up then scoop them up and bring them in here with me.  Instead I will treat tomorrow like the new day that it is and try again to get it right. 

Head over heels

for this blog.

I do this in my head all the time.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Feetfloor

I think I have a little bit of performance anxiety.  I read too many well-written words.   Plus, my brain is jumbly with stuff to do and stuff to worry about lately.  Not exactly compelling thinking, much less reading. 

I'm trying to find time to take photos here and there, just to be doing something creative.

Frames

Framecutter2

Framecutter

It's getting springy around here.  The sun hangs around longer in the late afternoon.  My kids go out to play in just t-shirts, the windows can be open for most of the afternoon, the fruit trees are starting to bloom.  There's a lump in one of the daffodil plants out front that will open soon if the squirrels don't eat it. 

Thursday, February 14, 2008

xoxoxo

Valentine_3

happy valentine's day

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Must wean off of parenthesis (eventually, anyway).

Just because the day begins with burnt (seriously burnt, billowing thick clouds of smoke when you open the oven door kinda burnt) cinnamon toast, doesn't mean it will be awful.  It's not any sort of omen.  Unless, that is, you take it as an omen predicting the table of firemen just hours later at the coffee shop by Willow's school where I stop in for a soy latte when I can.

This morning the fog was low to the ground, blurring the curbs (I mistyped and put burbs, which is also quite accurate) and washing out the treetops.   I got onto the highway, coffee and music already making me feel happy, and then I came to this place where the hills fold into each other, like when you interlace your fingers up to the knuckles.  The fog had settled into the miniature valleys, and there was this giant oak tree perfectly illuminated by the sun.  I swear that there was fog surrounding the tree, but the branches were in the clear.  Just like a close up shot of a flower where the background is all pebbly and blurred.  It was ridiculously pretty, perfectly lit, made my breath catch.  If I had my camera, I probably would have made a mess of my morning trying to stop somehow for a picture. 

Not much further, the fog was gone entirely, and the sky was so blue that any crystalline azure sky cliche you can dream up was actually a perfect description.  It made me feel good.  I sang along with my iPod all the rest of the way to work, even when I got off the highway and the exit ramp led straight back into the clouds. 

I had lunch with one of my favoritest people, and had flowers sent to me (for no reason, which is the best reason, except this might be the only time I've had flowers sent to me when I wasn't really sick or really right and so maybe I don't have another point of reference to base that on, but I still maintain that it's the best reason) by the lovely also-favoritest Jenny *note to self: complain to Jenny more often!

Tonight Willow and I went to see her big sister and brothers perform in the school play.  It was such fun -- Lex was Aladdin, Nathan a guard, and Soph a thief.  They had a fabulous time and delighted in all the flowers they came home with.  Between the flowers from Jenny, Willow picking a bouquet at Trader Joe's the other day, and the seven or so bunches of flowers the kids came home with, my kitchen looks like a funeral home springtime! 

Soph meticulously picked all her eye make up off while getting ready for bed, and I don't like how much she adored the black eyeliner.  She's super dramatic and will make an excellent goth someday.  I, myself, carried a KISS lunchbox in first grade (because they didn't sell Bauhaus ones?), and still favor black clothes, so I'm sort of interested to see what sort of ways she expresses herself fashion-wise.  And I totally don't care if she wants to wear makeup at a youngish age, even.  But the fact that she said that this was the prettiest she'd ever looked got my back up. 

I'm sitting right up next to the fireplace, duraflame log keeping me warm and lighting the keyboard.  The girls are asleep on the couch.  I read a page from Matilda and they were snoring.  Good thing, since my voice is 80% gone now (yes, I measured).  Tomorrow I think we'll hit some thrift stores in search of cheap snow clothes for our trip in two weeks!  My children have never seen or experienced snow and I decided that it is time to fix that.  We generally don't go anywhere, unless it's to visit family, so this is doubly anticipated.  My brother and his wife are going to meet up with us for a couple of days of ski and snowboard lessons, snow fort and snow person creating and snowball fights.  I'm sort of a stiff drink and a book in the lounge by the fire kinda girl, but I will try and find some cheap snow gear and take a cold one for the team.  I will probably bring a hip flask.  I consider it anti-freeze.  That's O.K. when you're on vacation.  Right?

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