Not Calm (dot com)

photography class

This assignment, black and white.  Four more to go.

Five minutes at a time

I don't have a whole lot of uninterrupted time to think or daydream.  I've got my commute time, that's true, but I'm talking about a space where I can just lie there with closed eyes and be entertained by my brain.  At night, when I am actually lying there with my eyes closed, there is usually a child or two next to me squirming or kicking.   Also, these days I tend to fall asleep really fast. 

One of the main reasons I go and practice yoga at a studio as opposed to doing it here, is for the five minutes of time at the end where I get to lie on my back and close my eyes.  It feels even better after spending 90 minutes fighting the desire to stop and rest but pushing through anyway.  I've never really come close to having a clear mind while meditating.  Teachers will tell you that if you have a thought, you should label it "thought" and let it drift on by.  I don't know.  Maybe when I get back to a place in my life where I do have time to just think at the end of the day I'll be more interested in not thinking at all, but right now I love making use of those five minutes. 

Last night, I was remembering being in Barcelona.  Really remembering.  Walking down La Rambla when it started to rain, and smelling the raindrops all over again, feeling the weight of the air.  The dark grey raindrops on the lighter grey cement for a moment before everything was wet and darker.  Watching hundreds of umbrellas open all around me on the crowded walkway almost in unison, hearing the swooping noise they made mixed in with the soft patter of raindrops and conversations .  Men in suits holding newspapers over their heads, walking faster.  How much brighter the flowers the street vendors were selling looked in all the misty grey.  And I also remembered riding on the metro, which is terrifying to me because I'm so claustrophobic.  It wasn't so bad just being in the stations, but riding in the cars made me feel a little ill.  I looked at the windows sort of sideways so that I could see the reflections of the other passengers instead of the brick walls.  I could feel the shudder and shake of the car underneath me, how when it started up again after a stop, my feet would move first and I'd have to hold onto the pole in the middle of the car to steady myself.  Even though I was in a 100 degree room, I felt the fast breeze coming from above ground as I remembered walking up all those steps into daylight again.

   

worn out

worn out
Originally uploaded by jenijen

At bedtime, the girls will pick out stacks and stacks of books for us to read together. Sophie is moving right along, literacy-wise, and is currently reading Matilda and an Arnold Lobel book about a ridiculously cute little owl to her sister and me every night. Some nights while they are waiting for me to get off the phone or finish an email or whatever, they'll fall asleep before we read. Especially nights like tonight, nights when they're up two hours after bedtime because there is no school and we so quickly devolve into the no-schedule, too much candy, video games and teevee way of being. We are seriously slovenly. On those nights I'm half filled with guilt, and half silently thanking the powers in charge because they went to sleep without a fuss. I'm sure that when they are adults and they have occasion to read to little ones, they'll be all, "Sure! I'll read to you! I'd love to! It's so Healing for me, because my horrible mother used to promise to read and then putz around until I fell asleep. I'm coping, though." And I will pay them back by reading to my grandkids (if they materialize) so often that they don't believe the stories about me.

Do normal people plot revenge for hypothetical situations? I'm just curious.

the doctor is IN

the doctor is IN
Originally uploaded by jenijen

Willow had a Charlie Brown movie marathon tonight. Since John didn't grow up with a tv in the house, he wasn't really familiar with most of the stories. I was telling him how much like Lucy and Linus my brother and I were: I was the dark-haired bossy older sister, and my little brother had his blue blanket and sweet ideals.

I've never tried to sell my advice, and my brother never sat in a field all night waiting for the Great Pumpkin. Still, though, there are definite parallels.

This photo came from the parade we went to three weeks ago. Now that I've mostly got my laptop working again, I'm going through my recent photos. Next I need to catch up with my photography class. I'm five weeks behind. FIVE WEEKS. Not a small amount. But, I'm taking the next ten days off work. Just like a tax return, I've already spent it seven different ways. I don't have real plans -- I'm just savoring being at the beginning of it.

New Jersey is awesome

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071217/ap_on_re_us/death_penalty_new_jersey

I will post soon.  Promise.

morning honey

morning honey
Originally uploaded by jenijen

I am so far behind. Even the coffee I got on the way to work this morning is sitting on my desk all cold and undrunk.

The clouds were gorgeous this morning.

After I dropped the big kids off, I drove Willow to school, and she sang stream of consciousness style all the way there. She still says "bemember" for remember and "code wedder" for cold weather. Her song was about sneezing in the code wedder and bemembering tissues.

froggy morning

froggy morning
Originally uploaded by jenijen

Willow says that it's froggy outside from all the water in the air. The kids love being out in the thick fog, how it makes the tall trees look all spooky. I love it, too.

My dad is in the hospital and I'm worried about him. He's doing okay, it isn't (I don't think) anything life-threatening, but damn. I hate being so far away and not getting good information about what's happening. No one knows what's up so it's just waiting and waiting through tests that he's had before and no one can explain anything.

Nathan's stitch came out all on its own last Saturday night. He's practically better. He'll never try and cut a pencil in half with an x-acto knife again, even if his sister dares him.

The parade

was pretty great.

Bring on the Bowie/Crosby duet

It's the first Saturday of December and we're jumping in full bore.  This morning we're going to take our kids + a friend to the local Christmas Parade.  Willow is a participant (which means that Sophie will have to march alongside her or the whole damn town will be sorry about it). 

After that, we're going to drive up into the mountains (a whole 20 minutes from here) and cut down our tree.  I just, as in right now just, realized that will mean we'll have a skeletal, shedding, brown fire-hazard come the Big Day.  But if we don't do it this weekend, then we have to wait 2 weeks and I have a feeling that two weeks from now I'll be a Christmas shrew and I'd much rather have the kids bring a memory of a dead and scraggly Christmas tree (Remember that year?) with them to adulthood than always remember that time their mom screeched at them the whole time they put decorations up and then made them all go play outside in the cold so she could stay in and drink her hot toddy in peace.  (It's my hope that they were all to young to remember that particular year.)

I've been through the holiday season with a full time job before, and I've done it for the last few years with four kids, but this year the gauntlet has been raised (thrown down? whatevs) and I'm feeling more than a little panic in my belly every time I look at a calendar.  It helps when I remember to b r e a t h e and the breathing will be even more effective if I ever get over this cold.  Right now the b r e a t h i n g triggers the c o u g h i n g, which is disappointingly UNsoothing.

Alrighty, then.  I'm going to finish my coffee, get myself and everyone ready, and go descend on the parade.  I'll bring my camera and my breathing and my back up good mood.  Pray for me.